Happy New Year!

So… Before I start ranting away as I do I want to say I hope everyone had a great Christmas and a Happy New Year!

 

So last night was a little hectic… I’ve mentioned before a guy that has been trying to ask me out and he is so nice. Well I met him last week and everything went really well but I think because in myself I’m still a little confused and anti-relationships that I didn’t quite know what to do and I don’t normally meet up with people like that.

He went out for NYE as you do and honestly got so drunk… I was up pretty late myself I was playing Xbox as you do lol. it was about 3 am and I heard a knock on the door. He was at my door drunk as a skunk.

He basically told me he thought he had done something wrong after the last time we met because I haven’t been very talkative and honestly I felt so bad because he hasn’t actually done anything wrong.

He proceeded to tell me he didn’t really have a good New Years because all he could think about was me and he just wanted to come see me.

Which begs my question… Why?

I’m nothing special…

I honestly don’t get it!

I swear sometimes I sabotage stuff myself.

I guess we’ll see

x

Oops…

I’ve only just remembered that I said I’d break things down in future posts and here’s me rambling about ex’s.

Well, now that I’ve sort of covered my breakup I guess I’ll move on to the health scares.

Recently found me in the big old cancer situation and honestly it scared the fucking shit out of me.

So from the beginning… It started with the whole irregular periods, go doctors and to be honest I just thought they had been playing up because of contraception I had been on. I was referred for a scan and my days, it was annoying. turned up at 12:30pm for my appointment at 1:00pm, needed a full bladder so I drunk LOADS to the point where I honestly thought I was going to piss myself lol. Get inside the room and she says “sorry, your bladder isn’t full enough” Typical! Tells me to drink 3 glasses of water and go back in 20 minutes… which I did… still wasn’t full enough… YUP. third time a charm! YES! finally… I tried asking her if she could see anything out of the ordinary but she became quite skittish and just told me I’d need to speak with my doctor when they send the results back. IT TOOK 2 FUCKING WEEKS! Only for me to get to my doctors to be told I have cysts on my left ovary, there are a few fluid filled ones but the main concern was the solid cyst. He came out with the worse case scenario would be it’s cancerous and I honestly don’t know how I kept it together the whole time in there, I came out with blood work papers, made an appointment for a blood test. then my friend just looked at me and instantly knew something wasn’t right and that’s when I just broke down. I have a daughter and that was all I could think about, how on earth would I explain to her? shes 5… My mum had to have a hysterectomy for ovarian cancer, so my chances weren’t amazing… shes passed away now and I tell my daughter that grandma lives in the sky with the stars, how am I meant to tell her I’d be going there too? well, one blood test later and another week for results, there’s no cancer cells as of yet. so hallelujah!

Obviously, I still need to get further checks but all is good.

Anyways 2 posts in one day is quite enough talking (well typing) for me.

Hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and has an amazing new year

x

 

Speechless…

I was asked an awfully random question about my most recent ex today.

“Did I love him?” And still talking about him brings a lump to my throat and tears I fight back… But why? He made me feel so useless and unworthy.

A great mystery of life… I somehow still get upset about a guy that treated me like shit and have such a nice guy trying to ask me out and I shut him down, fucking logic.

x

Holy shit storm.

I’m going to be talking about my breakup in this post and god knows this is hard to talk about.

Things between us weren’t good. In fact, they were terrible and I know that now and I know I shouldn’t have been in that situation.

As well as being overly possessive, unsupportive and a mental head fuck he was just a downright cactus.

Don’t get me wrong he had his good points, he had a great sense of humour, bedroom department wasn’t bad lol… loads of things in common like fandoms etc.

So basically he lived a 4-hour drive away, so we didn’t get to see each other often but when we did it was amazing… until like 6 months in and I have no idea what happened.

I got a job and he really didn’t like it because I would happen to be working with other guys and the fact I had to stay at my place of work overnight sometimes. we were on the verge of breaking up over me getting a damn job? I have a daughter I have to provide so obviously he knew id choose the job. We only ever argued when I was working or when I was having to stay there overnight… I’d receive texts like “You’re boring” Or “The spark just isn’t there anymore” then want to be with me and not expect me to be hurt by that?

Finally came to a head when he was messaging another girl, long story short I pretty much found out right away and called him out on his bullshit but somehow still ended up being my fault?

I’ve never ever in my life broken up with someone and felt so shit and unworthy of anything then when I did with him… it still gets me now I am worthy to be loved? Or am I just too damaged?

Who knows.

x

 

 

Its been a while.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted.

There’s been so much going on I don’t even know where to start to be honest.

There’s been breakups, health problems/scares and some oh shit mistakes.

I guess I’ll break it down into separate posts in the future.

x